I drive in one of the world's most stupidly laid-out cities. There's a big fucking harbour right down the middle, and hills, and rivers, and sloppily laid-out suburbs aplenty, coupled with a population that is both affluent and incredibly self-centred.
Good driving conditions this does not create.
In addition, we have governments and government agencies that, seemingly, have no fucking clue about traffic flow, bottlenecks or decent road maintenance, coupled with a vocal minority of residents who seem to believe that, while traffic flow is broken, we must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, change anything about the roads in their area.
This is awesome.
And the final straw loaded onto this camel of traffic fail?
Nobody has any fucking idea how to drive in traffic, putting the cherry of gridlock onto the giant cake of traffic snarl.
So here are some top tips on how you, the Sydney driver, can make things better.
1. Don't drive in rush hour
No, seriously. Don't do it. Rush hour these days starts just before 8am and doesn't end until after ten. If your job offers flex-time, USE IT. If not, try to take public transport. Seriously. But if you must drive, try some of these:
2. Learn to fucking merge and change lanes
When moving from one lane to the next, if you slow down when you're half way, you're blocking two lanes, not just one. Be decisive, signal clearly, be prepared to accelerate or brake and get from one lane to the other quickly. And check you fucking blind spot before you move.
3. Plan ahead
Firstly, know where the fuck you're going. Lost people are bad for traffic flow. If you don't have GPS, check google maps before you start. If you do have a GPS, check google maps before you start. Knowing where you're going is half the battle.
And when you're actually out there, plan your lane changes in plenty of time. If you're in the wrong lane, you're fucked, because someone like me who knows which lane he's meant to be in will not let you merge. I have a big car, and if you hit it, you'll be crushed, so just don't.
Finally, only change lanes if you really need to. If you abruptly change lanes in front of me, then decide you didn't want that lane after all, I am going to make a note of your registration number and call you a cunt on the internet.
4. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE
Yes, I know this phone call is the most important thing in the entire city right now, but if you must take it while driving, get a fucking hands free kit. They're cheap
5. You don't need to read the newspaper while at a standstill in traffic
Seriously, the number of people I see reading the newspaper in queues (and while moving) is terrifying. WHY? Why can't you pricks just wait?
6. Stop being so fascinated with your brakes.
They're just applied physics, you don't need to keep using them as if you're amazed with this new wonder of technology. Seriously, if you brake needlessly in traffic, chances are the guy behind you will brake reflexively, Then the guy behind him will do the same. This sets up and effect called "Shockwave Traffic Jams". These jams can amplify and travel backwards from the original needless braker all the way back to bottlenecks, snarling the whole system. Likewise if you cut someone up and make them brake, the exact same phenomenon occurs. The answer? Drive smoothly and leave some space to the guy in front, but not so much space that the dickhead sales rep in the next lane thinks it's time to change lanes.
In summary: It's YOUR fault Sydney's traffic system is snarled. It's all down to your cut-up merchant ways and needless braking, and compulsive need to take phone calls while swerving from lane to lane indecisively and failing to accelerate into available space.
So fuck you.