I've seen a lot of posts around the internet, talking about how McDonalds food doesn't rot or mould. It's worrying. We all care about our diet, right? And if food doesn't rot, that means....errrr.... well.... I think it means something bad. Surely?
Yeah, definitely something bad.
Like, I dunno.... maybe it's not actually food?....
....or something?
But anyway... I discovered something worse. Much worse.
A few months ago I was preparing one of my favourite snacks. It's a little unusual, but it's totally natural and, like, totes good for you and everything. I call it my warmed fruit medley.
I get some apples, and some apricots, and some bananas, and some pears, and oh, lots of other delicious fruit. It was probably all organic and, like, locally farmed. And like, bought from the fair-trade co-operative wholefoods minimart that I cycled to on my fixie, and carried home in a canvas bag.
Anyway, I put it in my oven for a while. At a very low heat. With the fan on maximum. For quite a while. For, you know.... hours. To warm it up. Because I like my fruit warm.
Doesn't everyone?
Well, this time round I didn't actually eat it all, and I accidentally left some of this totally healthy and natural warmed fruit medley on a plate in a cupboard, next to my big bowl of salt, and my collection of silica gel packets from electronic equipment. Next to my dehumidifier.
Guess what?
It's five months later, and I opened the cupboard and was shocked - shocked I say - to find that the fruit HADN'T GONE ROTTEN AT ALL.
I mean, just look at it
Not a speck of mould
I mean, when you follow the logic to its....errrr....logical conclusion. That means....
Fruit is really bad for you, like McDonalds.
So, stop eating fruit, because, like, if the mould doesn't want it, why should you??
BOYCOTT FRUIT NAOW!
The actual reason those burgers don't rot is because they've been preserved by air-drying, just like my fruit. Next time someone has this whinge at you, call them a gullible twat, punch them twice in the face then leave.